Thursday, August 19, 2004

62. Dick

Talk about excellent timing: First Batman tells me he's giving me three nights off--Friday through Sunday--then Peter calls with an offer to go camping this weekend. I'm not big on camping (unless you count dressing up in red and green tights and calling myself "Robin" in a rich guy's basement), but I'm up for it.

Can't help thinking Bruce is up to something... trying to get me out of his hair, maybe. He seems to be on the verge of a breakthrough with the Riddler (or maybe the Tempest?) and I don't think he wants me around this time. I don't know how I feel about that... but I do know I could really use a little time in the woods with somebody who isn't a major closet case.

Midway during yesterday's session with Tanhoger, I started daydreaming about my experience with the Tempest, and--I'm amazed to say it--I got really hard, thinking about being tied up like that, helpless in the hands of that madman, struggling against my bounds. .. Naturally I didn't breathe a word of it to the doc, and I hope he didn't notice the bulge in my pants.

I haven't managed to tell Bruce that I'm seeing a shrink. It's still a huge waste of money for me to keep seeing Dr. T, given that I can't talk anymore about anything that really matters to me these days. But every time I think about quitting, I just... I don't know how to put this, but I feel ... drawn to him. Almost in the same way that I do to Bruce. I'm even starting to find him cute: that bald head, that goatee. I don't know if he's gay or straight, but I picture myself by his side, being kissed and held by him, and then ... can't say it. It's too fucked up. I want so badly to show him myself in my Robin outfit, but of course I don't dare follow through.

It's a shame, too, that Peter will never see me in it, either. The last time he saw me he complimented me on the way I've filled out lately, and asked if I've been working out. I thought quickly and told him I was doing it for his sake. Which isn't exactly true, but then the little white lies I've found myself telling right and left ever since I started working with Batman just keep stacking up. Sooner or later, I fear, they're bound to catch up with me.

In the meantime, though, it's just me and my lover in a tent out in the middle of nowhere for three glorious days.