Tuesday, July 06, 2004

12. Dick

I can't believe how long it's been since my last session with Dr. Tanhoger. (I know he wants me to call him by his first name, but his just doesn't seem shrink-like enough. "Sigmund," maybe, but ... "Gus"? I could always go with "Gustavus," since I think that's what I saw on the diploma mounted on his wall, but he doesn't seem to use that himself.) I tried to make an appointment right after the scene at the bank, but he was on vacation. He's been booked up ever since he returned, and this afternoon will be our first meeting in ages.

God knows we've got plenty to talk about: the bank for starters, and the subsequent business with Batman. Then there's this whole thing with Peter--try as I might, I just couldn't get off until I started picturing Batman in his place. I'd love to start a truly healthy relationship some day, but frankly I just don't see it happening. Not now, maybe not ever.

I can already guess what Dr. T will say--when I first went to see him, I was obsessing about Bill, and now it's the same thing, only it's Batman instead. Always chasing after the inaccessible, and refusing to let it go even when it's clear that there's no chance.

Dr. T--okay, Gus--has already been an incredible help to me, even if the change isn't always so clear. If nothing else, I owe this journal to him; after our second or third session together he suggested I start writing down my thoughts between meetings. I still feel as fucked up as ever, but leaving his office always makes me feel like there's hope.