Wednesday, July 07, 2004

15. Dick

(Boy, when it rains, it pours: had to stop writing when the phone rang. It was Peter. To my surprise, he wants to get together again, and -- even more to my surprise -- I said yes. I suggested a replay of the dinner-and-a-movie formula, but he's bringing takeout and just wants to stay in. First there's nothing going on in my life, then it feels like I'm being hit from all directions.)

Now, where was I? Oh, right, the park:

I knew I had to act fast, so I thought about the resources I had on hand. The mini-MagLight probably wouldn't do much good, except maybe as a distraction, but the pepper spray would come in handy. I reached a hand in the pocket of my windbreaker and realized I still had my balaclava stuffed in there from last winter, so I pulled it on. I figured if I was in the company of two men wearing masks, I might as well have a little disguise of my own.

My main goal was to subdue, or at least detain, the attacker and cross my fingers that Batman could somehow free himself. My heart was racing as I turned the flashlight on and hurled it as hard as I could about a dozen feet to the left of the bad guy. As I hoped, he turned to see what was going on, and with his guard lowered I came charging straight at him. Don't ask me where I got the nerve to do it, or what specifically I had in mind once I reached him, since the only knowledge I have of fighting technique comes from movies and tv shows, but I held the spray straight in front of me and pushed the button so that a jet of it headed directly for his eyes.

The closer I got, the better I could see what was going on. Batman's tights had been pulled down, exposing some kind of jockstrap and athletic cup around his waist. His belt had been removed and was lying on the ground at his feet. Strangest of all, the "weapon" the bad guy was holding turned out to be a large black rubber dildo.

It fell from his hands as he screamed in pain. "SHIT! You didn't tell me you were bringing a friend!" As he went on, his voice sounded less like a master criminal than a bitchy queen: "This guy doesn't even play by the rules! 'Safe, sane, and consensual,' my ASS--if he fucked up my contacts, I am sending YOU the BILL." The fight I was expecting never materialized, as the shrieking, sobbing bad guy stumbled off blindly into the woods, cursing us both.

I decided it was more important -- and smarter -- to help Batman free himself than to pursue his attacker. I fumbled around for a while with each of the knots as he twisted and turned to loosen their grip. He didn't seem as appreciative of the helping hand as I would have expected. To be honest, he probably could have escaped faster by himself, but I was kind of enjoying the role of assistant crimefighter. After all, he'd already saved my life, so I figured I owed him one.

That's the line I planned to use as I pulled the balaclava off my head and smiled at him. "Remember me?" I said after he'd pulled up his pants and buckled his belt once again. But to my surprise, he looked more pissed off than anything.

"You," he hissed. And then he turned and walked away into the darkness.